All About Bedtime with your child
The first thing I want you to know about bedtime is…
There’s no ‘one size fits all’ bedtime!
There’s this massive expectation that your Small’s bedtime must be 7 pm.
And I get it - having your own time and a bit of an evening as a parent is SO precious (please tell me I’m not the only one who gets a bit resentful if I don’t get a bit of time to relax in the evening?!)
However, the reality is that the 7 pm pressure can actually cause more stress and frustration for you - especially if your family logistics look different or your Small simply isn’t ready for sleep at this time and fights it.
So I want you to know that you’re not failing if your Small isn’t asleep by 7 pm and neither is it a problem that needs to be fixed.
Your Small might need an earlier bedtime
Your Small might be ready for bed at 7 pm (ish!)
Your Small might need a much later bedtime
Bedtime is unique to your Small’s individual sleep needs not when the books say they should be asleep!
You can’t force your Small to fall asleep.
The second thing I want you to know is that falling asleep is a biological process.
Your Small can’t make themselves fall asleep on demand because it’s outside of their control.
your Small can only fall asleep easily at bedtime when:
They’ve built up enough sleep pressure AKA tired in their tank. This is the single most important thing when it comes to falling asleep. If they haven’t got enough pressure they’re simply going to find it very hard to fall asleep
They’re emotionally regulated. If they’re upset or have an unmet need, falling asleep isn’t going to come easily.
This is the reason that leaving a Small to cry themselves to sleep doesn’t make a single bit of sense to me!
Once they’ve lost control of their emotions falling asleep becomes super difficult because they are unable to self-regulate, they’re getting further away from sleep the more upset they become and chances are they will need to borrow your calm and have your support to calm themselves.
You’re emotionally regulated
We’re all tired by the end of the day and bedtime can be tough.
So it’s hard not to get stressed or frustrated at bedtime. The bed dread is real!
But the more dysregulated you are, the more difficult your Small can find it to fall asleep. You being calm at bedtime is crucial because your Small takes their calm from you and if you’re anxious or frustrated they pick this up and feel it’s not safe to fall asleep. Once you’re dysregulated, it’s very hard to help regulate your Small. A dysregulated adult can’t de-escalate an infant!
Remember, it’s not your job to physically put your Small to sleep at bedtime - because if it’s outside of their control, it’s definitely out of yours!
No one can fall asleep on demand and you can’t force them to fall asleep unless they’re ready!
If you go into bedtime thinking it’s your responsibility to get them to sleep it can feel like you’re failing or it’s your fault when they don’t nod off.
But shifting your mindset to the thinking that your role is simply to stay calm can be a game changer, and it will help your Small fall asleep!
How to find your best bedtime
When it comes to working out the best bedtime for you, here’s three things to think about:
What time did they wake in the morning? This is a big key to bedtime because if they sleep in later chances are they’re going to need a later bedtime. And if they start their day early chances are they will need bedtime on the earlier side. My very rough guide is that they’ll need between 12-14 hours since starting their day before thinking about bedtime.
What does their daytime sleep look like?
If their naps are on the shorter side chances are they’ll need a slightly earlier bedtime. But if their naps are pretty chunky they might need bedtime nudged slightly later.
If they’re not napping at all anymore they might need bedtime even earlier
Are they high or low sleep needs?
Smalls that are higher sleep needs tend to turn in on the earlier side at night. Whilst those with lower sleep needs tend to do better with a slightly later bedtime. you can see my quick sleep needs breakdown below…
Finding the best bedtime for your Small can be a bit of trial and error.
And it might need some tweaking and time to suit you and your Small.
How to be calm at bedtime
Let’s be honest most of us our shattered after a day with our Small. I know I definitely am!
And it’s so normal to get frustrated or stressed especially if they’re fighting or taking ages to fall asleep, and you just want to get on with your evening.
Putting them to bed is hard when we are tired ourselves - we are only human!
But have you noticed the more dysregulated we become, the more difficult they can find it to fall asleep?
This is because you being calm is crucial to your Small being calm.
And the calmer they are, the easier they are likely to find falling asleep.
However, being calm is hard at bedtime. Have I mentioned that already?!
So here’s some tips to help keep you calm during bedtime, and it’s all about meeting your needs first:
Get into comfy clothes before you start. Bedtime is not the time for tight waistbands or being uncomfortable ( I have to take my bra off before bedtime at least!)
Have a snack and drink when your Small is having their dinner. Trying to do bedtime when you are starving or thirsty is asking for trouble!
Go to the loo just before you start bedtime because ditto the above!
Shake it out before bedtime or have a little dance. I like to have a dance as I’m clearing up dinner and cleaning my baby. There’s nothing like movement to get those emotions moving
Use a mantra if you find them helpful…
My favourite mantras to keep calm at bedtime are:
“The calmer I am the calmer my baby will be”
“I’m responsible for staying calm so my
Small can fall asleep”
“The calmer I’m the easier bedtime can be”
“I’m breathing in calm and blowing out the bed dread”
“Staying calm is within my control”
Ten quick sleep tips for a smoother bedtime tonight
Make sure they have plenty of sleep pressure and tired in their tank before settling them to sleep
Have a drink and snack before bedtime (a great time is while they are having their dinner!)
Change into comfortable clothes and put your hair up
Have some silly time with your Small or have an after-dinner disco
Slow the bedtime routine right down and try not to rush them through it
Try to be fully present during the routine. A gentle reminder to put your phone down!
Focus on finding your calm, and your Small’s can follow
If you feel you or your Small getting super stressed and/or dysregulated take a break from bedtime
If you start bedtime and they aren’t settled to sleep by 20/30 minutes max, pause bedtime. Take some out together and try again in a bit. Please don’t spend your whole evening trying to settle them - it’s exhausting and gets everyone stressed.
I really hope this blog helps you to have better bedtimes x
Explore: my Courses could help you manage your child’s sleep
Are you exhausted from your Small rising early? The early-rising workshop is here!
Join me for this workshop and I'll talk you through:
- Realistic early rising expectations
- The early bird basics
- The chicken and egg cycle of early rising
- How to move away from the early rising cycle
I created the weaning webinar for families who would like to explore night-weaning - with care. Whether that’s slowly reducing night feeds or stopping them altogether. If you can’t make my live Weaning Webinars, spaces were sold out, or you would prefer to work through the steps in your own time - then this self-paced workshop is for you!
WHAT YOU’LL GET:
Access to the Night Weaning Webinar recording, plus an accompanying Sleep Plan PDF - which you’ll use to create your own customised sleep plan, in your own time, and at your own pace.